I heard about this guy that just up and went to Japan without any plans. The guy has balls. Or is fucking crazy. I laid in bed just thinking about it. Put myself in a similar situation. My bed in Japan. Just laying there. Staring at the ceiling. I’d miss the same people I miss now, I thought, but with more intensity, feeling much more helpless. 

I watched a video on the web of this random house party with a bunch of people I could not connect or categorize with my own prior knowledge of humans in my own life. Something shifted in my head, just slightly. I thought about how much my world is separate from an entirely different one, where I could be a completely different person. A new environment. A new body. A new life.

I haven’t eaten in eight hours. Except a couple cookies. Jesus how did I let myself go this hungry. Why is it so damn hard to take care of simple things in my life? Somedays I just won’t eat if there’s nothing fresh in the fridge. I barely notice the difference because I look relatively malnourished even if I’ve had a turkey dinner 12 days in a row. But this is not really my problem. It’s where I am, what I’m doing, how I’m doing it. I’m trusting myself to make the right decision. I’m going to have to make one soon.